Dana Carvey Makes Me Cry

Let's just get one thing straight here: Dana Carvey on SNL = not that bad. Dana Carvey anywhere else = annoying sack of non-talent. On a talent scare of 1-10, Carvey ranks about a -3. That's right, a negative score. That means he's so bad, he not only has no talent but he actually manages to suck talent out of those around him. It's pathetic. Has anybody ever seen him on a talk show? I saw him on The Tonight Show a while back, and I've come to the conclusion that he and Robin Williams must be coke-snortin' buddies, because each of them seems to share an inability to not jump out of their seats like a crank addict every 5 seconds.

Shut up, I know he does a good George Bush impression. But good impressions do not a good comedian make (exception: Darrel Hammond, but he also does great stand-up). Dana Carvey is responsible for the worst example of cinema torture I've ever had to endure: Master of Disguise.

If you haven't seen Master of Disguise, good. The premise is something like this: Dana Carvey does (crappy) impressions for 80 minutes while the audience tries to pretend the schtick isn't worn out yet. It'll make you long for the sophisticated humor of Dumb and Dumberer. As of the writing of this, Master of Disguise is ranked as the 43rd worst movie of all time (IMDb.com). When I read this, I was shocked - I didn't think that there could possibly be 42 movies worse than this one! (The list reminded me, however, that Hulk Hogan used to do movies. I stand corrected). I walked out of the theatre feeling like Dana Carvey personally mugged me and stole 7 dollars from my wallet. He stole not only my money, but also something much more important - my time. I could've spent that hour and 20 minutes doing something more productive, like slamming a brick into my mouth or cleaning an electric outlet with a wet fork.

Want to know if you're an idiot? Here's a test: Did you laugh at Master of Disguise? If you said yes, you lose. Get in the rocket ship because we're sending you to Pluto to die. I was actually talking about this movie to somebody and they said "Yeah, it was pretty stupid, but the turtle party scene was kinda funny." Don't worry, I promptly gave this guy scurvy like the true pirate I am. Nobody compliments Dana Carvey and gets away with it.

Once Dana Carvey found that he couldn't force people to watch his bullcrap movies, he started throwing himself in those commercials for Lays' Pringle rip-offs. It's hard to satirize the commercial because he pretty much satirizes himself. I just don't understand what part of somebody's mind could trick them into believing that this crap is funny. It was bad enough seeing Master of Disguise - now when I'm watching something that's actually funny, I have to be reminded during the commercials that Dana Carvey still exists and has still yet to find an outlet other than impressions. But don't worry folks, Carvey can't hurt us forever. Eventually, his spotlight will grow dim, and like all washed-up performers he'll be banished to Has-Been Celebrity Hell - or, as it might read on a map, Branson, Missouri. Here, Carvey will be forced to perform his mediocre impressions for drunk rednecks and hillbilly families, opening for such huge names as Yakov Smirnoff and that guy in the duck suit. Every night, he'll return to his little apartment and turn on the TV to watch SNL reruns on Comedy Central. Occasionally, he'll go the movies and weep as his Wayne's World-partner Mike Myers makes bags full of money. Sad, sad man.